I feel incredibly restless lately. My mind runs in all sorts of directions and I want to pursue every single thought that comes. I want to pick up drawing and writing again but I feel insecure about those now, which is why I guess I'm here now. If I had money now, I'd easily be blowing $200 or more on things I need (or think I need), but I also want to be generous to some friends of mine, even though they're distant. And if I had even more money, I would be getting on a plane for a little getaway to Europe—specifically Denmark. Both for a much needed, overdue vacation, but also because someone very special to me lives there. A very complicated circumstance in my life, financial barriers aside, constrains me from going, but I keep holding on to this dream. A very distant, yet demanding dream that we both would love to enact together. Another thing on my mind is that I want to return back to religion, Catholicism, because that's how I was brought up and there's some strange calling to me to go back.
I recently watched some TikTok videos of an editor that made videos that resonated a lot with Latin American Catholics as the songs and audio used in them were in Spanish alongside glittery early-to-mid-2000s religious internet graphics and religious photography; just the two funny things to bring up here is that this account revolves a lot around making creepy edits of weird internet phenomena (not exactly the target audience) and I am very, very white. The imagery that the faith gives you, whether you walk away from the religion or not, evokes some sense of nostalgia and wistfulness in you. It won't apply to everyone obviously, but that's what happens to me and I'm sure others. Realistically, I know that the crash will come along and I won't be able to adhere to the teachings and practices again like I used to, not that it's necessarily true and repentant devotion emerging. Years of being secular has caused me to be unable to genuinely and authentically believe in any sort of religion or spiritual practice again. It's lying to myself. Even just the fact of me being attracted to both men and women will be off-putting enough to the parishioners and to me, LGBTQ-affirming churches (of any denomination) don't feel... honest enough. Something feels off about them, although their hearts are 100% in the right place.
Edited/redacted 8/3/2025: [...Thank you so much.]
It's the 4th of the July here in the US, and even if... everything that's occurring here wasn't happening, it just feels like a regular day. Holidays and other celebrations don't feel special or exciting. I even stopped celebrating my own birthdays when I was a teenager because they didn't feel worth celebrating anymore. As time went on, everything began to go downhill, even with the good things and accomplishments that came along. Stagnancy is not a state I want to be in forever, like it has been for the past six years. Staying still with no progress is one of my biggest fears along with uncertainty.
Thinking of you. Dreaming of you.
This is probably the third time now ever since we met in January.
