16

05/18/2026

This is (hopefully) going to be a quicker journal entry; just have a feeling this might end up too long for the entries page.

Some updates:

Working on leaving my abusive household in the next month or so. This is going to be very difficult due to a significant barrier that I've hinted at on here, along with the fact that I'm disabled and now chronically ill, so I have to be mindful of the jobs I could be able to take.

I went to my first metal concert last week! I saw Knoll, No Cure, Brujeria, and Cattle Decapitation. I've learned that I really need to start bringing ear protection to concerts, especially with how loud this one was, but I had a great time! I've been listening to Cattle Decapitation at an age that would be a little too young for their lyrical matter (and a certain music video they have), but they've been a constant in my music taste throughout the years so I absolutely could not pass this opportunity up. The frontman looked tired so I feel bad for him, but the performance was still incredible! I miss them all already.

The friends I have who are aware of C's existence acknowledge that he fumbled me hard. It feels really validating for me. I'm sad that I still miss him. I'm not entirely sure if I'll ever get over this, even with the barrage of "you'll find someone like that again" sentiments I get when I vent about him with somebody. I hate the fact that someone else will have him and it won't be me.

I'm craving romantic connection again. I'm leaning towards my sapphism, but I would take anyone as long as I liked them and they liked me. I am really, very lonely, but I can't entertain romantic or sexual relations now. Or maybe I'm looking for someone to look forward to or to give me a reason to live again? I can't tell. All I know is that I am lonely and I hate it.

More medical worries that I don't know if I should get checked because of medical gaslighting! Yay!

This is going to be a heavier part of the updates above, but in regards to #1, I have this pipe dream still that I can somehow go abroad shortly after leaving my abusers. Not necessarily to escape from them "harder", but it's more of this feeling that I want to go elsewhere to finally hit the reset button on my life. I turned 25 exactly a month ago and I've barely done anything with my life; traveling internationally has been a dream of mine since I was a kid, and I want to exercise my autonomy in something that is fun and exciting. I wanted to meet new people and be somewhere foreign and new last year after finalizing my decision on where I wanted to go—and it was ripped out from under me. The thing that sucks is that I'm obviously still in poverty and even with the money I have made, I have to dedicate it to leaving my abusers, finding somewhere to live, etc.. And Denmark is very expensive. I have $1,270 soon and I could get up to $1,500+ if the other stuff I have sells eventually, that will go towards my freedom. International trips 100% cost a lot more than that, but it would be nice putting that money towards something fun and/or productive...

A friend of mine with C-PTSD who also grew up poor has been trying to let me down gently that it's okay if I never get to go abroad in my lifetime because plenty of people go their entire lives without doing it. I get the sentiment, but it hurts even just gently being nudged away from a dream of mine. I don't know if I should accept that as a form of "fate" or not. I'm glad I have a genuine interest in traveling and a curiosity for other places that isn't rooted in a coexisting desire to escape, but I don't want an enthusiasm of mine to be extinguished. Am I delusional for this? Especially because I want to do it as soon as possible?

But yeah. This is all what's been going on in my world and my brain. Wish me luck in my endeavors—I'm really going to need it.