"you're not here anymore"
"in this springtime Hachiouji"
"and because you're not here"
"I'm in Hachiouji, alone"
"so I jump off"
---
"just the two of us"
"turning pale"
"just the two of us"
"jumping down"
This song stings much more than it used to at first, likely considering the predicament that I'm in. It sounds so romantic yet so gloomy. Then again, that seems to be fitting for a lot of this band's songs.
I'm not even in love, or if I am, it doesn't feel like it. I don't really know what love is supposed to feel like. I always expect love to be a constant whirlwind of intensity and passion, and not something that you eventually have to sit down with silently. I've been in relationships before, long-distance, and I always felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin whenever things calmed down or even became boring in my eyes. Even if my partner saw no issues with how the relationship was progressing, the stillness was unsettling. It still applies today. The second things become stagnant, I either want something exciting to happen again or I consider ending the relationship, as cruel as I know the second decision would be. Unpredictability is all I'm used to. How do normal people love? I don't know what that's supposed to be like. How does it feel? What does it feel like? How are you not itching to do something and let the relationship come alive again when everything calms down?
---
I miss you already, C. I wish I could be there in your apartment on a chilly rainy night, in your bed facing each other, just resting and basking in each other's presence. I wish things were different. I wish so much that none of this was happening.
A few days ago, I've sort of digitally disconnected from the primary social media apps that I frequently use. I've reached such a low point in my life again that seeing and hearing people being happy fills me with rage, especially if they're partaking in something that I've dreamed of doing for ages. It's deeply threatening to me, and even when someone is suffering more than I am. It's not even from my own doing. I'm 25 next year, which I don't even want to think about, and I've done none of the things that I've wanted to do for ages because my parents simply hate me. Especially my mother. It's not even like I can just pack my bags and leave, either; I'm legally trapped. I just don't understand it: why me?
I'm doing literally anything else than tending to my responsibilities. I want to do them, but I'm so agitated and can't think straight. I can't sleep at night. I sleep for hours in the day. It feels like small, spiky bursts of electricity run through my veins at times. I don't speak much now, but when I do, it's fast and neither person can keep up. I don't know what I'm meaning to say. I alternate between being irritable and full of rage on a level that can't even be described, to crying over the smallest inconveniences, to... more. I feel like my brain is inside of a waterlogged washing machine and anger, depression, and apprehensiveness are included on the settings, but the buttons on the machine aren't working. It's switching between one or the other, or worse, it's multiple at the same exact time.
I don't know if I've ever wanted to self-destruct this bad.