Wow. October already. I really can't believe it, especially after I had a decent-ish start to the year. Well, before I found out what I know now...
C knows about my situation now. He hasn't followed up with me apart from his initial and only response a few days ago. I wonder what he's thinking: if he's sad, shocked, angry, disappointed. He did tell me that he's sad and shocked, but I wonder how deeply he feels it. All I know now is that if we choose to end this, I'll miss him too much. I feel like an idiot for getting attached so quickly, but it's the way I am. I can't help it. Reality punches me in the face over and over but I just refuse to accept it or let it faze or hinder me. I almost hate how I can't give in, even when I see that things are too hopeless or too difficult.
I don't think he'll ever find this website, nor do I intend to show it to him (it is a personal project after all, not focused on him in any way), but I hope he knows how deeply I feel for him, even if I'm too intense with the people I like. I hope he knows that I'll miss him forever... I wonder if he'll think the same?
Some songs run through my head as I ruminate on this. Some of them I don't completely understand why I relate to them when the lyrics don't fit the circumstances or how I feel, but they just do somehow.
"Walking back to you"
"is the hardest thing that I can do"
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"And oh, how I'd love you"
"All these feelings I have, I'd never live through"
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Even still, I walk on a line between wanting to save myself versus wanting to completely give into what I perceive to be my fate. Logically, I know that