Wow. October already. I really can't believe it, especially after I had a decent-ish start to the year. Well, before I found out what I know now...
C knows about my situation now. He hasn't followed up with me apart from his initial and only response a few days ago. I wonder what he's thinking: if he's sad, shocked, angry, disappointed. He did tell me that he's sad and shocked, but I wonder how deeply he feels it. All I know now is that if we choose to end this, I'll miss him too much. I feel like an idiot for getting attached so quickly, but it's the way I am. I can't help it. Reality punches me in the face over and over but I just refuse to accept it or let it faze or hinder me. I almost hate how I can't give in, even when I see that things are too hopeless or too difficult.
I don't think he'll ever find this website, nor do I intend to show it to him (it is a personal project after all, not focused on him in any way), but I hope he knows how deeply I feel for him, even if I'm too intense with the people I like. I hope he knows that I'll miss him forever... I wonder if he'll think the same?
Some songs run through my head as I ruminate on this. Some of them I don't completely understand why I relate to them when the lyrics don't fit the circumstances or how I feel, but they just do somehow.
"Walking back to you"
"is the hardest thing that I can do"
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"And oh, how I'd love you"
"All these feelings I have, I'd never live through"
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Even still, I walk on a line between wanting to save myself versus wanting to completely give into what I perceive to be my fate. Logically, I know that I can't give up, but the temptation and easiness of giving up is so welcoming, in a way. I shouldn't have to be enduring. Living life constantly in fear is deeply unhealthy, and I'm only now truly realizing this this year. Even more so when it's ingrained into you that you have to get through the day and deal with people around you that contribute to your suffering. It's dehumanizing and exhausting. I think I can get out one day, hopefully soon, but I'm tired of having to wait in the wings for a time when things are safe. It's not sustainable.
