Even with me constantly in the throes of emotional volatility, tonight (2 AM, EST) I don't feel much anger or despair like I've been feeling for months on end. This year was completely unfair with what I've found out, and I realize now how badly I was deceived. I constantly switch from "my life is over, there's no point" to "my life can't stay like this forever", but tonight I'm not inclined towards either of those directions.
Yes, I am still extremely sad about my circumstances and the fact that something good that I wanted has been taken from me—although now I'm not sure if I mind anymore—but it's not this crawling, devouring feeling that accompanies me. For a lack of better words, I feel "peace". Instead, I just feel like crawling into somewhere where I don't have to be around the cacophony and to have no somas looming nearby. I'll just sleep and sleep until I feel ready enough to begin again.
Ultimately, I want to obtain solace. To find out who I am. To finally begin to live.
