This song can't stop playing in my head. I listen to it for hours and hours. Someone on the Genius page for this song thinks that it's written from the perspective of a person who knows that suicide is going to be their destiny. Maybe not now, but somewhere down the line. I absolutely agree with them.
I think my friends think that I'm going to kill myself soon. I came back a day or two ago and they were upset and worried, one of them much more concerned. I don't feel like going back now because I know that I'll keep spiraling if I continue to see and hear it. I know that my departure won't be forever, but it is indefinite.
...maybe not now, but time will tell.
I feel so evil because of the way I feel and think now. I'm never like this. I normally wish the best for people and I'm sincerely happy for them, but I'm irate that nothing is turning out the way I've wanted to and that I'm so far behind in life now. I really did think that 2025 was finally going to look up for me when the past 2-3 years have been horrible. Seeing and hearing about people being happy, particularly those I'm close with or talk to regularly, makes me so upset. It's a feeling of "when is it my turn?" and I suffer while everyone else is doing so much better than me. I've had dreams, desires, and goals for years and it hurts to be growing older and being unable to live them out. It feels like a knife twisting in my stomach.