3

9/8/2026
Not going to lie. Things are really bad.
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I have a feeling that soon enough, I will die. It's been a feeling I've had since earlier this year. Not by my own hands because I've tried it "for real" last year around this exact same time, but I'm worried it will be the result of suddenly getting ill. I've learned since last year how useless medical professionals really are, especially when the companies they work for are clearly bought. It doesn't help that more scary medical stuff is coming up and I don't have the heart to get checked out because I'm sick of hearing, "I don't know how to help you". I hope I'm wrong, but I hope even more that it's not going to be anything like sepsis or something even if I were to survive. It doesn't help that I'm in a flare and you never know if it's going to actually become a medical emergency.
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I've become indignant about how I was treated so easily like an afterthought and as a thing to be "won" last year. As much as I did recognize the red flags, I ignored them to the point of eventually loving him. "Love" may be debatable here, but that's how I felt for him. As much as I've realized that he IS a loser, it makes me sick that he'll find someone else and it won't be me. I hate this dissonance and how I can't let go of it. Additionally, I really hate that I've unlocked daddy issues that may have been underneath the surface... Why do I want to pursue older-ish men now when it normally squicked me out a little? At the very least, was an idea I needed to warm up to. God, I'm fucked. -
I hate to say it, but I really just want to hop on an app again and find someone who can offer that vague sense of hope and a possibility of getting me out of what I'm stuck in. And that wasn't even my intention last year. It's naive and even dangerous since I have a weirdly good impression on a lot of people from abroad, but it's this sense that I want to be anywhere but here, and to be with a promising person. If I don't go through some serious medical emergency like what I fear, I continue to have nebulous emigrant dreams that I wonder if they'll ever be made true. This is also relevant to how horrible I've been feeling lately because I hate being so stuck and I want to leave.
...I really hope those dreams can come true.
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Nothing feels like it's going how I want as much as everything is up in the air now. I'm trying to get a job at my university and I'm intending on going to career fairs (even got fancy clothes for them), but I feel like it's all so hopeless and nothing has even happened yet. I feel I have to rush this. The steps that I take towards leaving don't feel like they're enough. Everything feels too far away. I'm so sad and it doesn't go stop. People who have never been abused or gone through horrible trauma will never understand what this is like.
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