Alright. Some things on my mind, but I'll just start off with the biggest one first.
Lately, sometimes I just think, "I love you" over and over in my head, hoping and praying that that epizeuxis will reach someone telepathically. Even if it's someone from afar. Someone that's also gravitating towards my own shared desire for love.
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But in a way, I feel like it is on its way and coming for me. I just don't know where from or who it's going to be. I have a feeling that it's going to be someone from far away as it's typical for me now. While I don't think of him as much as I used to, I do hope that it'll be C. At the same time, I believe that the possibility of it being someone else is much more likely. I still don't know what to make of that. I really don't think that I can find another person that I've shared such... mutual chemistry with, and so much obsession (on my end), but I sadly think it'll be better that it's someone else. I feel a sense of uneasiness about it being another person in that it would be interesting to meet someone new, but I don't think they could replicate what I'd want that I felt/got out of C. Yet I feel apprehensive in a positive and negative way about this new person.
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Being romantically starved for years when you're a hopeless romantic is immensely embarrassing. But I don't want to actively search for it right now. However, I also don't believe in the idea that it'll come for you when you least expect it. It's natural for humans to want to seek connection in whatever form it takes or what they want, so why try to discourage us from doing so?
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It kills me that it's approaching mid-December. As much as this year has been shit, I don't want to let go of it. Just knowing that 2026 is around the corner feels unreal and sickening. I wish I could do something about the passage of time and to manipulate it into how I'd want it to work.
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...well, I've lost my train of thought even while coding this page. Have some songs.
